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Dear Mr. Hoover


This correspondence is in reply to your Craigslist post for a new Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. I am like totes interested. I know that this position is based in Washington, D.C., and while I have a few friends there and I really like your town, I would prefer to stay in Portland, Oregon. Because Oregon is the shit! Would you be open to telecommuting? I have Skype, WhatsApp, AOL AIM, GoupMe, Line, WeChat, Kakao Talk, MessageMe, Kik, Tango, Cubie, Facebook Messenger, iMessage, Facetime, hike, unlimited talk and text plan, and am proficient in Morse Code. Communication will not be a problem.


I am also open to fly to DC up to five times a month as long as you fly me United. Gotta get them miles and free drinks #amiright. Also having your name on my business card will make sure they don’t fuck with me and try to take my seat.


You are probably busy and Matlock is about to be on so I gotta get going so here are my qualifications in a couple bullets (while we are on the subject do you guys supply those or will I need to expense them?)


  • Ability to blend in: I am not breathtakingly beautiful or heinously ugly with no defining features or personality traits. I am extremely forgettable. At my High School graduation I had to reintroduce myself to my own parents. Making me the perfect undercover opporative.

  • Elusive:  I have seen every James Bond and Matt Damon movie so I am an expert at “shaking a tail”, high speed driving on land and sea, running through crowded markets, and awkwardly short European men’s swimwear.

  • Internal fortitude: I haven’t lost a staring contest, ever. In fact I haven’t blinked since December 30th 1992; The first time I saw Lorenzo’s Oil. That was Nick Nolte’s finest work. Really fucking touching.

  • Work Ethic: I have worked harder on not working then anyone I know. I will do anything if it means I can do nothing. On multiple occasions, too many to count, I have worked all night to ensure that nothing got done.



Anywho gots to go I have a tall dark and stormy calling my name but before I leave you is there any chance we can limit the word “probe”? It makes me giggle.


Peace Bitches,


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